Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

I panicked. I missed the mark. I felt desperate. I felt trapped. I saw no way out. I just wanted the cycle to end. Unfortunately this is not the first time around on this marry-go-round for me. I made a mess of my life two weeks ago. I thought I was doing the right thing only to be consumed by... well I didn't have a name for it. I thought I was just adjusting to trying something new. To acknowledging a need and clearly communicating what I wanted. But I lost sleep. I felt sick. I had a hard time eating. And then one night I cried.

How many times have I heard the phrase the hard thing is the right thing. I wanted to disappear. I was willing to start over. I am sure that somewhere in there I believed that there was no going back. I have tipped the balance and I am now a burden. I have brought pain and suffering and now I will just leave. There is no going back.

But then there is the other option. Humility. Ask forgiveness. Admit my failure. Know my limits.

I want to thank God for a friend who prays. She knows who she is and her prayers were heard.

"In this way trauma becomes woven into the identity of a family or culture, racial or ethnic group."

I am working on a series of posts that deal with trauma. For those who spend time with me you know this is perhaps my "favorite" topic right now. I have started delving into the connections between trauma in my life and a tendency towards co-dependence in my relationships. Today I walked through the Oregon Holocaust Memorial in Washington Park I was struck by the idea of a generational impact. The intensity of this trauma! I have read many books about this period and have many times wondered how the Jewish people had the will to survive. How could they pick up and live again. They are a light to me a reminder that there is so much potential for resiliency in mankind. So I invite you on this journey with me through some dark spaces... but as you read remember I am building my memorial wall so that I can leave things in the past and walk out into the light.

A Beautiful Day To Play

Today I partook in one of the fine benefits of living in NW Portland. Eric and I without driving anywhere walked in Washington Park!

The walk was good and the temp. was perfect. I even found signs of spring! This winter has not been too dark nor lasted too long...

I may not be perfect, but parts of me are awesome

Each time I go through a transition I end up retracting from life in some way. This time my transition was a new position at work. The new job began 1 month ago and now I am finally re-entering the world of blogging. My month away has reminded me how much I enjoy pontificating about life and examining myself. I feel stagnant when I do not take the opportunities to sift through my emotional reactions to daily life.

A short recap of the month would include learning a new job as a Patient Navigator for Providence Beginnings! I love my new position and the chance to care for women throughout their pregnancy.

A wonderful baby shower party that I threw for Crystal. Co-ed with chocolate fondue a photo booth and dressy clothes.

A complete commitment to moving back to Beaverton once our lease it up here in NW Portland. I love Portland, but the parking is KILLING me!