it's okay to suck...

just suck less tomorrow... This is a direct quote from my my diversity training. An interesting way to think about diversity, but perhaps a perfect way to look at training for a new job. This man though was clearly talking about relationships. Being an intuitive feeler type I tend to do well with relationships. At least I do now.

People used to make me nervous, I would always ask myself "do I fit? Would they understand me? If I show my fragility will I be abandoned? Where do I find my worth in this relationship? These questions were very paralyzing for me. At a young age I had been trained to listen and counsel others. At church I was taught to "minister" which was a great place to hone my counseling skills, it was also where my fear of rejection grew stronger. I learned to read people and know their hurts while learning how to mask mine. I literally sucked at relationships. Many people felt close to me and would come to me with problems and pain. I knew how to comfort and help... I felt important and purposeful but I was very very lonely. Now I am intentional about making sure my friendships are real relationships... what makes them real? That I give of my self. I also no longer fool myself into believing that one sided relationships are real. If I can not share what is happening inside of my heart then I am not having a real relationship. Recently I found myself beginning to invest in one-sided relationships. I was beginning to suck at my relationships again. But today I will suck less... will you?