Christmas is always full of expectation. This year for me had an even higher set of expectation. This year was going to be the icing on the cake of coming home. Sadly like any year of built up expectation I ended the night feeling hollow.
Why does Christmas feel empty? What do I want that I am not able to create? I can see that it was not just the day of but even the Christmas events leading up to. My life currently feels so temporary and Christmas is a time of reflection, celebration and hope for the future. My reflection fell once again to my parents and the feeling of home that I miss so very much. My hope for the future is dimmed by not even knowing where I will be living in a few months time. My reaction was to retract from those around me and quiety try to put together a very difficult puzzle.
Perhaps that is the best metaphor for my current life. I am trying to put together a very difficult puzzle. How do I rejoice and embrace people when I feel so very shaky? How do I invest and put down roots when my soil is shallow?
This transition seems to have exhausted a lot of my emotional resources all the while I feel like I am doing so very well at the same time. So which is it? Am I doing well or am I exhausted? Can I be exhaustedly doing well?
A wise friend told me it's possible to experience both at the same time. ;-)
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