Heaven's got a baby... down in Bethlahem

Christmas is always full of expectation. This year for me had an even higher set of expectation. This year was going to be the icing on the cake of coming home. Sadly like any year of built up expectation I ended the night feeling hollow.

Why does Christmas feel empty? What do I want that I am not able to create? I can see that it was not just the day of but even the Christmas events leading up to. My life currently feels so temporary and Christmas is a time of reflection, celebration and hope for the future. My reflection fell once again to my parents and the feeling of home that I miss so very much. My hope for the future is dimmed by not even knowing where I will be living in a few months time. My reaction was to retract from those around me and quiety try to put together a very difficult puzzle.

Perhaps that is the best metaphor for my current life. I am trying to put together a very difficult puzzle. How do I rejoice and embrace people when I feel so very shaky? How do I invest and put down roots when my soil is shallow?

This transition seems to have exhausted a lot of my emotional resources all the while I feel like I am doing so very well at the same time. So which is it? Am I doing well or am I exhausted? Can I be exhaustedly doing well?

why we do what we do...

and with whom... commitment . . . When we make a commitment often times we only know the direction we are headed and with whom we are going. We find out the meaning each day as we walk out that commitment.

This is a quote from my new hire orientation. Which I am now finding applies so aptly to a relationship I have with a young girl in the Dominican Republic. When she was 5 years old I commited to loving her and mentoring her through life. Last year I was privilaged to spen 1 year with her, to sit through heart ache, to embrace the surprise of pregnancy and to hold my godson when he was born on April 1 st. It has been a wonderful and at times heart breaking ride that I would not change for anything!

It is sometimes a death to myself loving this young woman. I can see my selfishness and the pain on her face or in her voice when I disapoint. It is sometimes in her best interest that I disapoint but the pain she feels never makes it easier. Oh but my discouragement when I simply fail. When I give my word and fail to come through. It is our love for one another that gives us the grace to remain.

Three weeks ago her father was murdered and he was the only wage earner for the family. I am now stateside and longed to sit and mourn with the family. Traditionaly in the Dominican there is about a 10 day mourning period where friends and family gather. My heart was filled with grief and if there had been any way I would have gone just to be with Yuli for this tradgedy. We now share the loss of our fathers, 2 days apart when we both we 19. This is a mystery to me, how eerie it is to have our grief aniversaries be so very close together, but I am grateful that I can from the bottom of my heart tell her I am so very sorry and that I know she will raise above this.

With out knowing where our path would lead we have commited to each other. Who have you commited to?

Cultural Rules- The Simple Dollar

Breaking the cultural norms... 9-5 job, make as much $ as you can, buy more stuff, convenience, diet. (from the simple dollar)

There is a book that I read called The Simple Dollar, (also a blog by the same name and author) it is in reading this book that I started to consider more closely what cultural rules I have been holding my life up to. Sometimes I long for "The American Dream" of new clothes, new car, more money, and a home of my own. The thing is my values, the things that make me happy are not found in any of the above items. Sure more money would be great... and I will be making more money soon but that is not the point.

The point is what am I striving for?

This topic may feel redundant... But that is the season of life I am in. Do I continue to take out student loans so that I can possibly earn more money? Is the sacrifice of time worth the pay off? How does this fit in with my new desire to be a mother? What about my other interests that I fail to investigate? At this point there are more questions than answers, but one thing is for sure I want a simple pleasing life. I do not want to be a slave to debt. I want to be fit. I want to love and embrace people in my daily life and I want to enjoy God.

Writing my own rules

Cultures have rules, lots of rules and we have to decide if we are going to follow them. On top of cultural rules we have family rules, work rules, religous rules and then our personal rules. Some lucky people have all of these line up and nothing is in oposition to the other. Others of us are happily unaware of anyones expectations on our lives. I have always been hyper aware of what others want from me, or at least of what I think others want from me. I have been known to limit my expression of self more concerned with keeping peace. I have tried to feel my way through this world keeping peace and trying not to upset the people around me until I lost my voice.

I have begun to try living by my own rules, knowing that if I am confident in my decisions then it will not matter so much what other people want from me. That if my values are manifest in my life then I will have peace and confidence to weather many storms. Standards of achievment are hard to throw off. Being 32 and married for 7 years there are certian expectation that fall on me. I should be finished with my undergraduate degree, I should have children, I should be on my way to owning a home. But my life did not follow that "normal" progression. I have had way more exciting things going in my life, and now I need a different set of rules or else I will feel behind, stunted.

My voice is emerging, I am discoving that I am a person of peace by nature and I know there is a way to usher peace into the world around me without silencing and damaging myself. There are times when sacrifice is good, when healthy love dictates the need to deny myself. There are times when sacrifice does no good to anyone and in the end hurts more than it helps.

I pray for wisdom and courage.

Maybe you're searching among the branches for what only appears in the roots. Rumi

When I feel discontent I begin to dream and itch for the future for my blank slat. I create scenarios that could never exist! I search in the branches wanting more of the lush greenness, daring to create the excitement of spring with out going through the bleak winter.

Life cycles through so that we are reminded to stay grounded. New springs come after a time of deep nourishment. Remember that my life began as a seed. Remember that it is depth that allows me to stretch out into the sky, to shade the burnt and protect the weary birds.

I am currently in a winter, my season of bearing fruit has come to rest. Now I must root in the ground. I must expand in the richness of family, friendship, God and art so that in season my spring will come.

Where does your life root?

It had been a month since I posted... One month is a long time so what was my hang up? Lets see... I moved and that was all consuming from the time we decided to look until this week when we brought our last load of belonging up the three flights of stairs. I have been feeling run down and partially sick for at least 2 weeks. I hope this weekend is the end to that routine. Lastly this is the time of year where I grieve the loss of my father and mother. They passed away between Thanksgiving and Christmas so as the weather turns my mind gets distracted from the productive things I need to do and I just slow down. The other event in my live is November Write a Novel Month. So if I am quiet in my blog you know why.

Perhaps I will share my story, but please be kind I have never written a story before.

connections

Have you ever felt the calming touch of someone who cares? It may not be a hug, just the reassuring touch of another human on your arm, back, grabbing your hand. I have, and I try to extend this gift to others. I am an anxious person, at time anxiety has been the constant storm that guides all that I do. At night I have been known to become overwhelmed with fear of death. I can be convinced that I am having a stroke, I know that sounds crazy but it is the truth. My husband only needs to lay his hand on me and I will immediately calm down. (In his absence I will pet my dog)I do not understand the science of touch I just accept the calming gift of touch.

I have heard before that we need 5 hugs a day to be healthy. I have seen documentaries of children in Russia who were not touched as infants, these infants were shaking experienced "failure to thrive." For me that is science enough we NEED to be touched.

I grew up in a family that did not hug or touch very much. I was not by any means deprived as a baby and developed normally it is just that in my teenage and preteen years hugs were rare and made me uncomfortable. Affection is something that my friend and I showered on each other but not something practiced in the home. I know that at times I felt starved for affection *although I had no desire to receive that from my dad at home. I loved to cuddle up and watch a movie with friends. I remember watching movies with a good friend, Ben, and we would be cuddled and you would think we were a "couple" but we were just friends meeting a deep felt need to be close and loved. I am thankful my friends who met this deep need in my life and taught me how to give and accept affection.

Even if you think that you do not like affection and hugs remember that it is a human need to feel connected loved so offer your love and affection to those around you.

Change = Growth

I volunteered with a youth group for some years in my young adulthood; this was a wonderful experience for me. One training we as leaders listened to was titled, Change=Growth. What a true statement that is! In my 32 years of life I have experienced plenty of growth opportunities and I am grateful that I belonged to a community that encouraged us to constantly look for ways to improve ourselves and love the people around us. This has been a saving grace for me because while I have lived through some horrible experiences, my early years trained me to look for opportunities to grow.

My husband and I are entering a new adventure; we have applied for an apartment in NW Portland that is only 400 square feet. This will be a change for us; we have previously looked for the best bang for our buck. We collected enough furniture to accommodate a party of people, and extra backpacking gear so we could take friends with us backpacking. I enjoyed collecting “memories” flyers, post cards, announcements any small memento. Then there were the books. We both had a large library! In the last couple of years we have stripped off these excess items. We moved out of the country for a year and have recently returned. Now that we don’t have so many belongings we can live in an area we have always wanted to try but could never afford a larger apartment. The freedom of changing the way I view belongings and space is opening an exciting door.

Last weekend I purchased a pair of shoes for $80, I know that $80 American could feed a family of 6 for a week or more in the Dominican Republic. I also know that this beloved family that I am thinking of lives on about $15 dollars a day and this is not sufficient to meet their needs. Health emergencies happen frequently due to poor nutrition, sanitation, flooding and the hazards of the kind of work they can do. I know that I cannot afford to support this family monthly and that giving them money is not the answer but I do know that my decision process has changed. I used to buy new clothing because I was bored with my wardrobe; now I am determined to only buy clothing when I have a true need. I want to use my finances differently than before. I want to be free from debt so that I can be generous!
So if you want to grow you must change! Look for an area of your life where you can shake things up. Maybe you are finding yourself holding onto “stuff” and need to rethink how much you value is being placed on these items. Maybe it is time to make a change of career or to give of your free time. I challenging you to find an area of your life to change so that you can open the doors to growth.

You Can Buy Happiness (and it is cheap)

Great book about simplifying your life. The book is about a couple who share their journey of down sizing. The author is honest about her reluctance and fears along the way. she also interviews other people who have gone through the same process. Reading this book has encouraged me to keep life simple and not get caught up in "stuff." Relationships are the most important value in life. I am still in transition and Eric and I are looking for a place to live. We are asking tough questions and trying to make a move to a place we can stay for a couple of years. While we won't be moving into a true tiny home we are looking into a small apartment; 400 square feet.

Like the couple in this book I look forward to a small space to maintain. I want to own such a small amount of stuff that it can all be organized easily. If you know me you will understand what a challenge this is. I am an out of sight out of mind person so a smaller space should help me to be conscious of my space.

If you need to rethink life I invite you to read "You Can Buy Happiness and it's cheap."

Kind Words

Kinds words can be short and easy to speak, but their echos are truly endless. Mother Teresa

I love the encouragers in my life! They strengthen my resolve to be kind even to those difficult people who pass my desk. I work a customer service job, only my customers are often sick and scared. I do my best to offer gentle words of kindness, comfort and blessing. I speak with sincerity and look people in the eye. My prayer is that I can help each patient that comes to my desk feel at ease and cared for. This is why I love my job, I get to care for people.

Being intentional at work is so much easier than in "the real world" where relationships are on going. Words have even more power when there is the context of relationship.

In marriage we can see the affect of words uttered in anger, the tears and bitterness. Fights explode and the igniting topic is lost. Words have a way of creating space between two people. Mother Teresa says kind words echo, I would like to add that kind words heal. If you have found there is too much space in your relationships begin to speak kind words.

Keys have Power

Today I did a stupid thing. I reminded myself of the power of keys! I left my house with enough time to leisurely drive across town and view an apartment before having lunch with a friend down town. Maynard (my faithful companion) came with me. We met a wonderful landlord and entered an apartment that was cute and perfect except Maynard could not climb the stairs to leave.

Shaking hands with the kind man we parted ways and went for a walk. The day is beautiful sunny and temperate. Returning to my car I fumbled for my keys...

Keys are powerful they grant entrance to places of shelter, rest and adventure. But when my keys are inside my car and I am outside I feel a lack of control. Thankfully today I in a place where the people are kind and hospitable. Where my dog is accepted and lived and where my Mother in Law can come and rescue me!

I would like to thank Hawthorne Street Cafe for welcoming me and my dog onto your patio while we waited for our spare keys.

Today I turn 32...

It is amazing that at 32 I am still asking the same questions about life as I did 12 years about; and I the same vague answers. So I guess I have not yet dreamed enough. I think we keep questioning our role in society and family until we reach a sweet spot where it all clicks. I look forward to that sweet spot.

I have been reading about simplifying life, less stuff, less commitments, more time for what truly matters. For me that would mean quality time with the people I love. I am also realizing how much time I waste surfing the web looking for things to look at. In my quest to remember peace in my life this is a change I am seeking to change. I am sure you can relate. After work I have habits of coming home and zoning out while everything that I could and should do waits. I feel like I have no energy and yet I know that part of having energy comes from engaging in life. If you are like me I challenge you to trying doing something active and engaging after work today, not tomorrow. If you already live this out please share your routine.

Today I am grateful for my family and friends who surround me with love and care. I am grateful for my health which is better than it has been in years. I am blessed by the always present Spirit of God.

"People living Deeply have no fear of death." Anais Nin

Fear has since my earliest memories shaped and restricted my life. Sometimes I was able to truly live and shelf the fear but those were the exceptions... which caught up with me in time.

I hopped from rock to rock with a friend when I was young, maybe 8. We were having a great time going down stream. Completely enthralled I forgot about not knowing how to swim, I was brave and fearless. Then reality, I am on a tall rock far far away from camp... Or climbing up on a roof then being too scared to get down only to have the fear of getting caught push me off the roof. My life is peppered with these stories! BUT then there is the real fear... Death. Con one truly not fear death?! This our enemy since time began. The sting that God never desired for us. Death changes everything.

In my life death has ripped "wholes"adding definition, puncutation to my story. I find the more acquainted I am with death the more I hate it, yet I become more comfortable in deaths presence and have learned how to bring peace and healing to the cave of grief.

Far away in the Sunshine

"Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." Louisa May Alcott

My aspirations are so very small, but they are broad. I don't seek to achieve great feats or to gather fame and fortune. I want to love purely. I want to be whole and full of Christ's peace. I believe I am closer to those desires today than yesterday.

Shining bright from deep within
testing the clarity of my skin.
Do I show what truth and faith can win?
Do I show the strength of sin?
I bleed
to be the one who shows the trapped to freedom.
I have pain
knowing that death looms laughing the deceit of destruction.
It is the embrace of death
the exposure of shame
the light that casts out pain.
Vanquish fear and learn to breath.

Give Thanks for What you are Now...

and keep fighting for what you want to be. Fernanda miramontes-Landeros

I want to live an intentional life that blesses those around me. I am a peace maker. In times of pain I bring comfort. In times of shame I bring restoration. In times of fear I bring hope. I will love my husband with abandon and glorify God through joy and redemption. With Christ as my guide I will release myself of cultural aims and will embrace the present. I give myself to life-long transformation, to know God and be known by God. I commit to being an encouragement and light in the darkness of whereever I am. Moving fluidly through life transitions.

Today I am here with you
Today you have my love and attention
Today I can bring the Prince of peace nearer to you
Today I give thanks for life
Today I rest
My past is in Christ My future is lit by Christ My present is the gift that, now I can choose I choose peace, faith, hope, and love

everyone matters

"We believe everyone matters even when we don't know why." diversity guy from orientation What gets me out of bed is knowing that I can make someone feel great. Without seeing my impact on those around me I can find life to be very dull. I have grown up with the belief that everyone matters. I come from American White Poverty. Which means we bought cheap clothes, did not go to the doctor, cooked at home, the house was never updated and eventually we lost our home. We had food stamps, old cars and bartered for services. At church I was the "special" project and due to my circumstances my teachers took a "special" interest in me. I did not know myself to be poor until much latter. My parents never blamed our poverty or told me no we cannot afford this or that, they either gave permission or not on their own authority. It was not until I was 18 that marginalization began to sink in. What is it like to know that you are considered a project and to understand what that means? Eventually that knowledge sinks in and changed the way I saw myself, the way I saw my church relationships and the way I saw my family. What am I worth. Does special attention help, save a person or does it cause more damage. My questions are not completely answered and I imagine what I think I know will change as time passes.

traveling buddies

For as long as your search takes, you have my loyalty.
Commitment to another human is a trying and difficult matter. From divorce rate we can see how hard that is with just one person, but I wonder how many people can I truly commit to? My friend group is going through many trails right now, some are due to tragedy and misdeed while others from exciting transitions. How many people can I commit myself to do as long as the search takes?

The echo of Christ is strong->I will never leave you or forsake you.

This is my covenant with my husband and his to me. I have in the past tried to turn friends into immediate family members, I am starting to see that God has given me a wonderful family and remaining with each other is a gift, but friendships ebb and flow as we fight to fulfill our commitments to spouses family and friends.

it's okay to suck...

just suck less tomorrow... This is a direct quote from my my diversity training. An interesting way to think about diversity, but perhaps a perfect way to look at training for a new job. This man though was clearly talking about relationships. Being an intuitive feeler type I tend to do well with relationships. At least I do now.

People used to make me nervous, I would always ask myself "do I fit? Would they understand me? If I show my fragility will I be abandoned? Where do I find my worth in this relationship? These questions were very paralyzing for me. At a young age I had been trained to listen and counsel others. At church I was taught to "minister" which was a great place to hone my counseling skills, it was also where my fear of rejection grew stronger. I learned to read people and know their hurts while learning how to mask mine. I literally sucked at relationships. Many people felt close to me and would come to me with problems and pain. I knew how to comfort and help... I felt important and purposeful but I was very very lonely. Now I am intentional about making sure my friendships are real relationships... what makes them real? That I give of my self. I also no longer fool myself into believing that one sided relationships are real. If I can not share what is happening inside of my heart then I am not having a real relationship. Recently I found myself beginning to invest in one-sided relationships. I was beginning to suck at my relationships again. But today I will suck less... will you?

The Lord is my Shepherd, I will not want...

How many times do I long for things I don not have? I will mourn the missing item in my life. Who says I am lacking? The LORD is my caretaker, the King of Kings. I will not want. The generous provider meets my need, gives me comfort and safety. The great I Am gives abundantly so I may also live a generous life. Why do I fell want? The other night I ate dinner and had a sufficient amount of food on my plate only when I was finished I still wanted more! I took more jjust for the pleasure of eating. How many times do we take more than we need just for the pleasure of having? What are the consequences of enduldging in this kind of pleasure? Today I am convicted that this endulgence reienforces my wanting to exceed what Christ offers. This leads to discontentment, worry, fear and in some practical ways disease. In this moment I see how my over eating on a regular is intergrated into my spiritual life. If I could give thanks for what has been give and not seek to go beyond what I need that would bring peace. Jesus thank you for caring for me. Forgive me for taking more than I need. Where do you take more than God provides?

The Good and Beautiful God

The tittle of a book I am reading, The Good and Beautiful God: Falling in Love with the God Jesus Knows, touches the core of my heart. I am not going to write a book review but I will take you on my journey of reflection as I read. So expect to see multiple posts with this title and photo. If you find yourself wanting to read and reflect along with me I encourage you get a copy of the book and join in. The comments section would be a great place for group reflection. Also to purchase the book through Amazon just click on the image it is a link.

Why does it matter if our belief about God is consistent with what Jesus's believed?

Our understanding, no my understanding changes with time and experience. Jesus came to reveal himself-God to us to show us how to relate to the Father to show us the character and heart of the Father. So if I am believing something inconsistent with who Jesus/God/Father/Holy Spirit is then I am believing a lie. Lies can sabotage relationships, cause misunderstandings and unintended hurt.

In each chapter we are looking at a specific character trait of God as revealed through the way in which Jesus interacted with God the Father while on Earth. I know that I have endured pain in relationships when I believed the motive of someones actions was selfish gain or deceitfulness or just plain that person is mean and does not care. Latter having learned more of the person's character my previous judgments had to be amended. Perhaps since my understanding is in constant flux I have interpreted life's events in a way that does not hold up to the truth of who God is? That is the core question to be examined while reading this book. The first characteristic of God that I read about is that God is Good, and then I did a practice of gratefulness.

practice:
Write a list of specific things you can be grateful for and actively thank God for providing pleasure in you life!

Orientation

Today I had my new hire orientation for Providence Health Services. The very first thing you learn is how to leave, next they shared about the fitness centers and 3rd came the pharmacy talk and that was the first time the crowd clapped at the end of a presentation.

That's right we clap for drugs.

Mission
As people of Providence, we reveal God's love for all, especially the poor and vulnerable, through our compassionate service.

This statement touches my personal life values and perhaps could be my own mission statement.

Core Values
Respect~All people have been created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27)
Compassion~Jesus taught and healed with compassion for all. (Matthew 4:24)
Justice~This is what the Lord requires of you: act with justice, love with kindness and walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)
Excellence~Much will be expected of those who are entrusted with much. (Luke 12:48)
Stewardship~The earth is the Lord's and everything is in it. (Psalm 24:1)

This may be from a business but I really do want these core values and mission statement to be evident in my life. Perhaps for the first time I have come to work somewhere that will value me. That will treat me with compassion and respect. A place where I can thrive because my values line up with the mission and values of my employer.

Have you ever thought about your core values? I invite you to share with us your life mission and personal values.

Discipline

Self discipline is one of the most difficult tasks for me. I was once upon a time an extremely disciplined person, when it came to exercise, food, and spiritual growth. Now as for time management... that has always been questionable. Today is my last day of freedom before I begin a job and believe it or not I am looking forward to work so much just to bring order and routine into my life. I had 2 months off of work and would have loved to have attained more goals... but... waiting for work seemed to be all I could do. Why does the lack of routine rock my world in such a way that it becomes difficult to achieve? I may not know the answer to that but I do know that I need routine! So while I will be much much more "busy" from here on out I hope to also become more consistent. RememberPeace

Personal Health

There is a change happening in my life. It has been a slow evolution. I, like many 30 something's used to eat whatever I wanted. But my body at some point began to reject that practice. I ate to celebrate, reward, comfort, entertain, socialize, and to relax. Then one day shopping for clothes become embarrassing and my old clothes were just wrong to wear in public.

Change was needed.

First came not eating out as my only form of socialization, activities are fun and better for me. Then I dropped the stressful job and began exercising to deal with stress.

You get the picture...

Well the big change happened in the last 4-6 months. I know food should taste amazing because God created us with tongues, but it also serves a purpose. Food is to fuel the body. Food is not recreation, comfort, or even a reward. Now since this mental switch I have freely changed what I eat. Now my diet is full of whole foods, often raw foods, and the best part is I feel great and am losing my excess weight without much effort.

Personal health has brought peace into my life. Cooking is simpler. Weight loss feels good, and I am healthier.

Pass the Hat

Main Entry: money  [muhn-ee]
Part of Speech: noun
Definition:  currency accepted as exchange for goods, services
Synonyms: almighty dollar, banknote, bankroll, bill, bread, bucks, capital, cash, check, chips, coin, coinage, dough, finances, fund, funds, gold, gravy, greenback, hard cash, legal tender, loot*, medium of exchange, pay, payment, pesos, property, resources, riches, roll, salary, silver, specie, treasure, wad, wage, wealth, wherewithal

Money can be a challenging force to reckon with. Money can destroy lives, yet at the same time, money can be used for peace.

I currently have a wish list of things to purchase: a DSLR Camera (Sony Nex5 to be exact), a road bike, and somewhere down the road, a car. These are not bad goals. Money is not bad, but our attitude and uses can bring peace or division.

With this in mind, I will wait longer to make my purchases, choosing to pay with cash. I will wait longer to make my purchases, choosing to bless others. The saying goes, "It is better to give than to receive." Do you believe this?

Personal Challenge: Find a way to give of your money that will bring peace to someone else. Be Intentional!

Why Should we Remember?

Remember Peace is about my journey of reflecting and bringing peace into my life and others. You are invited to come along with me on this path of reconciling the past, affecting change in the present, and anticipating peace for the future. 

In Deuteronomy we are admonished again and again to "remember" what God has done, what God has said, what has happened in the midst of this community that has bound it together.  When the past is left untouched and unremembered the binding of our communities, of our families comes undone. By remembering we gain wisdom. By remembering we gain pleasure. By remembering we embrace one another. By remembering we embrace ourselves.



My hope is that you will Remember Peace!