Today I turn 32...

It is amazing that at 32 I am still asking the same questions about life as I did 12 years about; and I the same vague answers. So I guess I have not yet dreamed enough. I think we keep questioning our role in society and family until we reach a sweet spot where it all clicks. I look forward to that sweet spot.

I have been reading about simplifying life, less stuff, less commitments, more time for what truly matters. For me that would mean quality time with the people I love. I am also realizing how much time I waste surfing the web looking for things to look at. In my quest to remember peace in my life this is a change I am seeking to change. I am sure you can relate. After work I have habits of coming home and zoning out while everything that I could and should do waits. I feel like I have no energy and yet I know that part of having energy comes from engaging in life. If you are like me I challenge you to trying doing something active and engaging after work today, not tomorrow. If you already live this out please share your routine.

Today I am grateful for my family and friends who surround me with love and care. I am grateful for my health which is better than it has been in years. I am blessed by the always present Spirit of God.

"People living Deeply have no fear of death." Anais Nin

Fear has since my earliest memories shaped and restricted my life. Sometimes I was able to truly live and shelf the fear but those were the exceptions... which caught up with me in time.

I hopped from rock to rock with a friend when I was young, maybe 8. We were having a great time going down stream. Completely enthralled I forgot about not knowing how to swim, I was brave and fearless. Then reality, I am on a tall rock far far away from camp... Or climbing up on a roof then being too scared to get down only to have the fear of getting caught push me off the roof. My life is peppered with these stories! BUT then there is the real fear... Death. Con one truly not fear death?! This our enemy since time began. The sting that God never desired for us. Death changes everything.

In my life death has ripped "wholes"adding definition, puncutation to my story. I find the more acquainted I am with death the more I hate it, yet I become more comfortable in deaths presence and have learned how to bring peace and healing to the cave of grief.

Far away in the Sunshine

"Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." Louisa May Alcott

My aspirations are so very small, but they are broad. I don't seek to achieve great feats or to gather fame and fortune. I want to love purely. I want to be whole and full of Christ's peace. I believe I am closer to those desires today than yesterday.

Shining bright from deep within
testing the clarity of my skin.
Do I show what truth and faith can win?
Do I show the strength of sin?
I bleed
to be the one who shows the trapped to freedom.
I have pain
knowing that death looms laughing the deceit of destruction.
It is the embrace of death
the exposure of shame
the light that casts out pain.
Vanquish fear and learn to breath.

Give Thanks for What you are Now...

and keep fighting for what you want to be. Fernanda miramontes-Landeros

I want to live an intentional life that blesses those around me. I am a peace maker. In times of pain I bring comfort. In times of shame I bring restoration. In times of fear I bring hope. I will love my husband with abandon and glorify God through joy and redemption. With Christ as my guide I will release myself of cultural aims and will embrace the present. I give myself to life-long transformation, to know God and be known by God. I commit to being an encouragement and light in the darkness of whereever I am. Moving fluidly through life transitions.

Today I am here with you
Today you have my love and attention
Today I can bring the Prince of peace nearer to you
Today I give thanks for life
Today I rest
My past is in Christ My future is lit by Christ My present is the gift that, now I can choose I choose peace, faith, hope, and love

everyone matters

"We believe everyone matters even when we don't know why." diversity guy from orientation What gets me out of bed is knowing that I can make someone feel great. Without seeing my impact on those around me I can find life to be very dull. I have grown up with the belief that everyone matters. I come from American White Poverty. Which means we bought cheap clothes, did not go to the doctor, cooked at home, the house was never updated and eventually we lost our home. We had food stamps, old cars and bartered for services. At church I was the "special" project and due to my circumstances my teachers took a "special" interest in me. I did not know myself to be poor until much latter. My parents never blamed our poverty or told me no we cannot afford this or that, they either gave permission or not on their own authority. It was not until I was 18 that marginalization began to sink in. What is it like to know that you are considered a project and to understand what that means? Eventually that knowledge sinks in and changed the way I saw myself, the way I saw my church relationships and the way I saw my family. What am I worth. Does special attention help, save a person or does it cause more damage. My questions are not completely answered and I imagine what I think I know will change as time passes.

traveling buddies

For as long as your search takes, you have my loyalty.
Commitment to another human is a trying and difficult matter. From divorce rate we can see how hard that is with just one person, but I wonder how many people can I truly commit to? My friend group is going through many trails right now, some are due to tragedy and misdeed while others from exciting transitions. How many people can I commit myself to do as long as the search takes?

The echo of Christ is strong->I will never leave you or forsake you.

This is my covenant with my husband and his to me. I have in the past tried to turn friends into immediate family members, I am starting to see that God has given me a wonderful family and remaining with each other is a gift, but friendships ebb and flow as we fight to fulfill our commitments to spouses family and friends.

it's okay to suck...

just suck less tomorrow... This is a direct quote from my my diversity training. An interesting way to think about diversity, but perhaps a perfect way to look at training for a new job. This man though was clearly talking about relationships. Being an intuitive feeler type I tend to do well with relationships. At least I do now.

People used to make me nervous, I would always ask myself "do I fit? Would they understand me? If I show my fragility will I be abandoned? Where do I find my worth in this relationship? These questions were very paralyzing for me. At a young age I had been trained to listen and counsel others. At church I was taught to "minister" which was a great place to hone my counseling skills, it was also where my fear of rejection grew stronger. I learned to read people and know their hurts while learning how to mask mine. I literally sucked at relationships. Many people felt close to me and would come to me with problems and pain. I knew how to comfort and help... I felt important and purposeful but I was very very lonely. Now I am intentional about making sure my friendships are real relationships... what makes them real? That I give of my self. I also no longer fool myself into believing that one sided relationships are real. If I can not share what is happening inside of my heart then I am not having a real relationship. Recently I found myself beginning to invest in one-sided relationships. I was beginning to suck at my relationships again. But today I will suck less... will you?