The "how" matters

"Today we don't need just technology innovators. We need behavior pioneers who innovate in HOW. One day, not too far in the future, everyone on the planet will be connected by technology. The more that happens, the more the only differentiator will be the quality and depth of your humanity- how you connect with and inspire other humans. When everyone has a smart phone, all that matters is the human content of the conversation not that you have a phone and I don't." Dov Seidman "how Why HOW We Eo Anything Means Everything"

I work for Providence Maternal Care Clinicwhich happens to be an amazing group of women who have until last March not had the "connection" of technology to get in the way of the human element in medical care. Yes I mean to say we were using paper charts!!! But this is no longer true so now as we have enterened the 21st century and are cumbered by computers in our exam rooms what sets us apart? I can honestly say that my entire clinic puts heart and soul into caring for our patients. We do not have any unimportant positions and each person who works there has direct contact with people who are in the process of growing a new life. We take this privilage to heart.

I am reading the book quoted above and hear my heart singing Yes, Yes, Yes these words go along with my personal values. They speack to the way I have lived my life and worked my jobs. Now I am in an enviornment that empowers me to make the personal connection. Midwifery Care is this unique place where humanity reigns, where patients are met where they are and embraced. Where when a woman is strugling to care for herself and consquencly her baby we ask "what is the barrior?" This may seem small but really this is huge. When a provider can come along side a woman and not judge, believeing that this woman wants to do the best she can for her baby but that there must be a BARRIER not a moral defect... This is amazing and this is why I love where I am and plan to stay for a long time.

Learning the Rhythm

Learning my own rhythm to life and being gracious to my self... sounds simple but man I have not spent the last 15 years being very kind or allowing for rhythms. Last night I had trouble sleeping and felt a load of anxiety, checking my body for signs of doom! I was sure that after having rolled off of my left side all the extra sensations meant I was having a stroke/heart attack/ Multiple Sclerosis/ or some as of yet undiscovered nerological disease. You may think I was in a panic... but no... I have gotten very good at calmly talking myself through these situations. Stroke- smile, stick out my tongue and make a burrito- okay no stroke, heart attack- well lets see have I felt this way before? yes. Was it a heart attack then? no. So why would it be this time...? okay no heart attack. Multiple Sclerosis- Self don't go there, extra sensation is not loss of feeling. Undiscovered nerological disease... hmm good one self how about feeling anxious and can't sleep! touche! Deep breaths, and now I am asleep. So it is a process and the trick is not getting mad at myself or let down. The mystical thing is that I could put on the calendar when I will have another sleepless night like this. Ready for TMI- it is connected to my monthly cycle. So much of my life is dictated by this cycle of hormones that rushes through and causes pain, emotional upheaval and reminds me that I am a woman and can carry new life.

Comfort Zones

I have been sick for two days! I hate being sick and stuck at home. I tried to go to work today and they took my temperature and sent me back home. After sleeping I continued to read The 4 hour Work Week. This is a very interesting read about a different way of looking at time, money, and life. There are questions and actions purposed through out that push you to get out of your comfort zone.

I will be trying some of these and the first one is eye gazing... Yes I will be looking people in the eye while I talk, while I listen, even while walking down the street. Sounds small but I don't do this. I watch mouths I get distracted. I crochet... So join me in being present, attentive and uncomfortable. Soon I will list the eye color of all of my friends.

Growth

Grief, my favorite topic... perhaps I have earned a masters in grief... One week ago tomorrow I said good bye to Maynard and prepared to mourn. Yet something different happened. I was sad... I cried... I had bad dreams... I did not want to eat... then only wanted comfort food *hamberger, french fries and icecream... But what was different. I only cried for Maynard. I only missed my dog. I found comfort in knowing I did the right thing and brought comfort to my dog. I did not experience compound grief. I did not revisit the deaths of my mom, dad, Leanne, Emily, JJ's mom and so on and so. I did not feel shame.

This is one small victory. That perhaps I have processed these past hurts to a point where when new pain comes, new grief, that I can now experience just that which is happening in the present. I know that grief is cyclical and with each great event I will mourn that my dad was not there. That my mom was never with me. But perhaps I can love more deeply now, with less fear of the pain that comes with seperation. Perhaps I can sit with someone else in the throws of grief and offer peace. Perhaps my daily torment is over.

Intercambios de vida

I am sitting in my living room watching Eric help a friend we have made through the Beaverton Intercambio. They are translating his education in Cuba into what is understood here in the United States. It is great to see this exchange of life happening. For all the times in the Dominican Republic that our friends came to our aid to help us understand how to do things I want to say thank you! It is a blessing to have these angles and I am very happy to get to return the favor. Also listening to Spanish spoken in the sing song fasion of the Caribean.

Memorials

This is a sad weekend for me. My faithful wonderful dog Maynard is at the end of his life. He is between 13-15 years old and has been my companion for 8 wonderful years. This weekend I am spending time with him and saying goodbye. He will be greatly missed. I will be making one more trip to the ocean with him so that we can end with the best memories possible. So when you see me next week be gentle I am missing my best friend.

This is going to be my new project I will do in 4 different colors for a co-worker who is having a baby. I should be able to finish the current blanket I am working on with in a week!

Yarn is fun and I love the soothing rhythm of it all.

Larger Than Myself

Has my mourning become larger than myself?
Have connected with the groans of humanity
the crys of Jesus to the Father.
The moments of doubt and shame held by Peter
The fear and anger of the adulterous?
Have I allowed my cup to run over and become one?
Do I still try to contain
and not contaminate...?
What if I shatter my cup and lose myself.
Rejoyce and again rejoyce.
The uniqueness of my moments are mine
to hole to cherish,
the feelings knit me
into one humanity.

Fundraising Dots

Fundraising Dots

Is anyone interested in buying one of these Dot Cards and fundraising for my trip back down to the Dominican Republic? I will be translating for a Canadian team, this will be their second year going down and I am honored that they have requested my presence. In the fall of 2012 I was flown to Calgary Canada to share with a congregation and help them plan the focus of 2013's mission through TEARS.

If you are interested in helping to raise funds or in donating please send me an email.

kisha@tears.org

Blessings

Some creative fun

ayer fue increible

Yesterday I practiced a spiritual discipline yesterday that I have not done in years... I truly fasted. I deprived myself and every time I felt the pains of that deprivation I prayed, I reflected, I remembered that for a time I was praying with my whole body! I can not say that I heard the audible voice of God during this time, but I did feel like a spent a day "with" God.

Will I do this everyday, no that is not safe or healthy.

Will I do this every week, most likely not...

But from time to time I will remember this ancient practice and participate in a tradition of my faith; Denying ones self, decreasing so that God may increase.

If we do not feel grateful for what we already have...

What makes us think we will be happy with more?

I was unhappy with where I was living. It was the dream, small (420 square feet), NW Portland, I did not have to drive to work. So what was wrong? I could spend 20 min looking for parking if I drove; and it turns out I am a terrible driver while looking for parking. Also I avoided the car and therefore did not visit with friends. Living in a studio felt like being in a hotel. Also with the bed in my living room I would just go to bed which for me meant sleep. I was sleeping 10+ hours a night... so I have also started taking Vit. D and I hope that helps.

This weekend we moved back into the Duplex and I have to say it feels like moving home. I love this neighborhood and I wonder why we ever left. This feels like a starting over of sorts and I am more than happy to be here. I am grateful for this opportunity to live once again in the horse neighborhood of Beaverton.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain! Vivian Greene

Have you ever wondered why a family seems to be plagued or cursed by certain social ailments? Why education is not enough to open the doors of affluence? Why abuse repeats? Why poverty sticks? Why giving the homeless a home is not enough? Why some are paralyzed in live and others soar? How a beautiful family who has "overcome so much" could have children who do not thrive?

Well in researching the connection between over-functioning co-dependents and trauma I stumbled across some writings about generational trauma. When parent experience trauma and do not sort through the aftermath there are affects that are passed down to children. Many abused children repeat the abuse, a sick way that our concision is trying to work out what has happened to us. Sadly our brains will continue to rehash trauma at times causing more damage than the original event. We can learn a coping skill that is necessary to survive when young but causes trouble once we are adults.

Poverty has been on my mind lately. Poverty is its own kind of trauma and the affects vary depending on how a family coped and enriched life. A very cheap and available enrichment is alcohol while another is reading. You can see how these two activities both provide escape and entertainment but one can bring on a whole other slew of trauma into a family unit. My mother read while my father drank.

I have in the past been thankful that my father did not repeat the physical abuse of his childhood and given him a pass on the emotional trauma my family experienced through him. Right now I see things differently. I carry shadows of my dad's trauma. His fear of death and disease. His hyper-vigilance, his poor sleep patterns, this list continues. I think you get the picture.

So am I cursed to traumatize those around me? Hell No! But if I were not actively engaged in life, in growth, in change the danger of traumatizing others would be greater. We are all responsible to sort through life, gaining the skills to move through trauma is a skill you learn.

So if it is raining or has rained in your life there is hope. Dancing is beautiful! Humanity is resilient. Find a guide to healing and remember it gets better.

My guide has been Jesus the Messiah, Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Worry is a negative prayer...

I am such a good worrier, I can find things to worry about. But lately this quote has reminded me that this tendency to worry adds negativity to my life. When I think of prayer there is a point where Jesus instructs us to cast our cares upon him, BUT there is more instruction to trust, to not fear, to believe, to hope. I am choosing to let go of this character trait that I have cultivated for so very long. I am choosing to learn how to live a prayer of hopefulness and resilience. It is amazing to think I can choose to change my character, but the truth is that we do have this power. I can change my attitude towards life!



I can say that the impact this has had on my work/home life balance is amazing! I am able to leave the stress of work at work and vice a versa because being present is the only place we truly have influence. What can I affect right now? Where do I want to go and how can I affect that right now? In my work place we had a very hard week going through a computer conversion, Epic has come to my small office that used paper charting 2 weeks ago. Because I am choosing to accept people for who they are in the moment and giving so much more grace than I have in the past I can say honestly that I barely remember the pain of last week.

Practice the character traits that you want in your life. Surround yourself with people you want to be like. and remember "Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright."

You need to realize you are having an emotional response to trauma

Much of my life has been an emotional response to trauma. I am seeing how when trauma is not resolved as it passes through life, and it will, it builds up. By the time Emily had died I had attended so many funerals with out resolving my grief that I sobbed for all those I had lost. I could not think of her with out going back to the first peer I had grieved, Leanne. Over time it all built up. (wondering if any of you have had this experience)

There came a point 2 years ago or so where I could no longer function. My personal trauma had overflowed. The bottle exploded! Dark days where I would have physical reactions to trauma that happened so long ago in the past. A sound could take my breath away and I would fight for hours to be able to breath again. A smell could bring tears without warning. My focus was at work was destroyed and my performance tumbled.

Now after resolving some of the traumas I am sorting and facing the rest. Inventory was shocking my major trauma list had 18 items. Those were major occurrence and since many sat in my amygdala unresolved minor traumas attached and snow balled so that daily life began to feel abusive! I have learned to tell myself, "you are having an emotional response to past trauma" to separate the past from the present. This skill is allowing me to move forward as I look back to resolve what has happened in my life. I am regaining the full range of my emotions. This has been shocking as I now feel anger again.

So how do I know when it is past trauma and not current events... the emotions are intense but even more my thinking is numb. I can not articulate what or why I am _____ fill in the blank. When removed from the situation I am recalling other events.

If you find your emotional response is to any given situation please consider the possibility that you may have unresolved personal trauma.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

I panicked. I missed the mark. I felt desperate. I felt trapped. I saw no way out. I just wanted the cycle to end. Unfortunately this is not the first time around on this marry-go-round for me. I made a mess of my life two weeks ago. I thought I was doing the right thing only to be consumed by... well I didn't have a name for it. I thought I was just adjusting to trying something new. To acknowledging a need and clearly communicating what I wanted. But I lost sleep. I felt sick. I had a hard time eating. And then one night I cried.

How many times have I heard the phrase the hard thing is the right thing. I wanted to disappear. I was willing to start over. I am sure that somewhere in there I believed that there was no going back. I have tipped the balance and I am now a burden. I have brought pain and suffering and now I will just leave. There is no going back.

But then there is the other option. Humility. Ask forgiveness. Admit my failure. Know my limits.

I want to thank God for a friend who prays. She knows who she is and her prayers were heard.

"In this way trauma becomes woven into the identity of a family or culture, racial or ethnic group."

I am working on a series of posts that deal with trauma. For those who spend time with me you know this is perhaps my "favorite" topic right now. I have started delving into the connections between trauma in my life and a tendency towards co-dependence in my relationships. Today I walked through the Oregon Holocaust Memorial in Washington Park I was struck by the idea of a generational impact. The intensity of this trauma! I have read many books about this period and have many times wondered how the Jewish people had the will to survive. How could they pick up and live again. They are a light to me a reminder that there is so much potential for resiliency in mankind. So I invite you on this journey with me through some dark spaces... but as you read remember I am building my memorial wall so that I can leave things in the past and walk out into the light.

A Beautiful Day To Play

Today I partook in one of the fine benefits of living in NW Portland. Eric and I without driving anywhere walked in Washington Park!

The walk was good and the temp. was perfect. I even found signs of spring! This winter has not been too dark nor lasted too long...

I may not be perfect, but parts of me are awesome

Each time I go through a transition I end up retracting from life in some way. This time my transition was a new position at work. The new job began 1 month ago and now I am finally re-entering the world of blogging. My month away has reminded me how much I enjoy pontificating about life and examining myself. I feel stagnant when I do not take the opportunities to sift through my emotional reactions to daily life.

A short recap of the month would include learning a new job as a Patient Navigator for Providence Beginnings! I love my new position and the chance to care for women throughout their pregnancy.

A wonderful baby shower party that I threw for Crystal. Co-ed with chocolate fondue a photo booth and dressy clothes.

A complete commitment to moving back to Beaverton once our lease it up here in NW Portland. I love Portland, but the parking is KILLING me!