Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain! Vivian Greene

Have you ever wondered why a family seems to be plagued or cursed by certain social ailments? Why education is not enough to open the doors of affluence? Why abuse repeats? Why poverty sticks? Why giving the homeless a home is not enough? Why some are paralyzed in live and others soar? How a beautiful family who has "overcome so much" could have children who do not thrive?

Well in researching the connection between over-functioning co-dependents and trauma I stumbled across some writings about generational trauma. When parent experience trauma and do not sort through the aftermath there are affects that are passed down to children. Many abused children repeat the abuse, a sick way that our concision is trying to work out what has happened to us. Sadly our brains will continue to rehash trauma at times causing more damage than the original event. We can learn a coping skill that is necessary to survive when young but causes trouble once we are adults.

Poverty has been on my mind lately. Poverty is its own kind of trauma and the affects vary depending on how a family coped and enriched life. A very cheap and available enrichment is alcohol while another is reading. You can see how these two activities both provide escape and entertainment but one can bring on a whole other slew of trauma into a family unit. My mother read while my father drank.

I have in the past been thankful that my father did not repeat the physical abuse of his childhood and given him a pass on the emotional trauma my family experienced through him. Right now I see things differently. I carry shadows of my dad's trauma. His fear of death and disease. His hyper-vigilance, his poor sleep patterns, this list continues. I think you get the picture.

So am I cursed to traumatize those around me? Hell No! But if I were not actively engaged in life, in growth, in change the danger of traumatizing others would be greater. We are all responsible to sort through life, gaining the skills to move through trauma is a skill you learn.

So if it is raining or has rained in your life there is hope. Dancing is beautiful! Humanity is resilient. Find a guide to healing and remember it gets better.

My guide has been Jesus the Messiah, Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Worry is a negative prayer...

I am such a good worrier, I can find things to worry about. But lately this quote has reminded me that this tendency to worry adds negativity to my life. When I think of prayer there is a point where Jesus instructs us to cast our cares upon him, BUT there is more instruction to trust, to not fear, to believe, to hope. I am choosing to let go of this character trait that I have cultivated for so very long. I am choosing to learn how to live a prayer of hopefulness and resilience. It is amazing to think I can choose to change my character, but the truth is that we do have this power. I can change my attitude towards life!



I can say that the impact this has had on my work/home life balance is amazing! I am able to leave the stress of work at work and vice a versa because being present is the only place we truly have influence. What can I affect right now? Where do I want to go and how can I affect that right now? In my work place we had a very hard week going through a computer conversion, Epic has come to my small office that used paper charting 2 weeks ago. Because I am choosing to accept people for who they are in the moment and giving so much more grace than I have in the past I can say honestly that I barely remember the pain of last week.

Practice the character traits that you want in your life. Surround yourself with people you want to be like. and remember "Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright."

You need to realize you are having an emotional response to trauma

Much of my life has been an emotional response to trauma. I am seeing how when trauma is not resolved as it passes through life, and it will, it builds up. By the time Emily had died I had attended so many funerals with out resolving my grief that I sobbed for all those I had lost. I could not think of her with out going back to the first peer I had grieved, Leanne. Over time it all built up. (wondering if any of you have had this experience)

There came a point 2 years ago or so where I could no longer function. My personal trauma had overflowed. The bottle exploded! Dark days where I would have physical reactions to trauma that happened so long ago in the past. A sound could take my breath away and I would fight for hours to be able to breath again. A smell could bring tears without warning. My focus was at work was destroyed and my performance tumbled.

Now after resolving some of the traumas I am sorting and facing the rest. Inventory was shocking my major trauma list had 18 items. Those were major occurrence and since many sat in my amygdala unresolved minor traumas attached and snow balled so that daily life began to feel abusive! I have learned to tell myself, "you are having an emotional response to past trauma" to separate the past from the present. This skill is allowing me to move forward as I look back to resolve what has happened in my life. I am regaining the full range of my emotions. This has been shocking as I now feel anger again.

So how do I know when it is past trauma and not current events... the emotions are intense but even more my thinking is numb. I can not articulate what or why I am _____ fill in the blank. When removed from the situation I am recalling other events.

If you find your emotional response is to any given situation please consider the possibility that you may have unresolved personal trauma.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

I panicked. I missed the mark. I felt desperate. I felt trapped. I saw no way out. I just wanted the cycle to end. Unfortunately this is not the first time around on this marry-go-round for me. I made a mess of my life two weeks ago. I thought I was doing the right thing only to be consumed by... well I didn't have a name for it. I thought I was just adjusting to trying something new. To acknowledging a need and clearly communicating what I wanted. But I lost sleep. I felt sick. I had a hard time eating. And then one night I cried.

How many times have I heard the phrase the hard thing is the right thing. I wanted to disappear. I was willing to start over. I am sure that somewhere in there I believed that there was no going back. I have tipped the balance and I am now a burden. I have brought pain and suffering and now I will just leave. There is no going back.

But then there is the other option. Humility. Ask forgiveness. Admit my failure. Know my limits.

I want to thank God for a friend who prays. She knows who she is and her prayers were heard.

"In this way trauma becomes woven into the identity of a family or culture, racial or ethnic group."

I am working on a series of posts that deal with trauma. For those who spend time with me you know this is perhaps my "favorite" topic right now. I have started delving into the connections between trauma in my life and a tendency towards co-dependence in my relationships. Today I walked through the Oregon Holocaust Memorial in Washington Park I was struck by the idea of a generational impact. The intensity of this trauma! I have read many books about this period and have many times wondered how the Jewish people had the will to survive. How could they pick up and live again. They are a light to me a reminder that there is so much potential for resiliency in mankind. So I invite you on this journey with me through some dark spaces... but as you read remember I am building my memorial wall so that I can leave things in the past and walk out into the light.

A Beautiful Day To Play

Today I partook in one of the fine benefits of living in NW Portland. Eric and I without driving anywhere walked in Washington Park!

The walk was good and the temp. was perfect. I even found signs of spring! This winter has not been too dark nor lasted too long...

I may not be perfect, but parts of me are awesome

Each time I go through a transition I end up retracting from life in some way. This time my transition was a new position at work. The new job began 1 month ago and now I am finally re-entering the world of blogging. My month away has reminded me how much I enjoy pontificating about life and examining myself. I feel stagnant when I do not take the opportunities to sift through my emotional reactions to daily life.

A short recap of the month would include learning a new job as a Patient Navigator for Providence Beginnings! I love my new position and the chance to care for women throughout their pregnancy.

A wonderful baby shower party that I threw for Crystal. Co-ed with chocolate fondue a photo booth and dressy clothes.

A complete commitment to moving back to Beaverton once our lease it up here in NW Portland. I love Portland, but the parking is KILLING me!