Heaven's got a baby... down in Bethlahem

Christmas is always full of expectation. This year for me had an even higher set of expectation. This year was going to be the icing on the cake of coming home. Sadly like any year of built up expectation I ended the night feeling hollow.

Why does Christmas feel empty? What do I want that I am not able to create? I can see that it was not just the day of but even the Christmas events leading up to. My life currently feels so temporary and Christmas is a time of reflection, celebration and hope for the future. My reflection fell once again to my parents and the feeling of home that I miss so very much. My hope for the future is dimmed by not even knowing where I will be living in a few months time. My reaction was to retract from those around me and quiety try to put together a very difficult puzzle.

Perhaps that is the best metaphor for my current life. I am trying to put together a very difficult puzzle. How do I rejoice and embrace people when I feel so very shaky? How do I invest and put down roots when my soil is shallow?

This transition seems to have exhausted a lot of my emotional resources all the while I feel like I am doing so very well at the same time. So which is it? Am I doing well or am I exhausted? Can I be exhaustedly doing well?

why we do what we do...

and with whom... commitment . . . When we make a commitment often times we only know the direction we are headed and with whom we are going. We find out the meaning each day as we walk out that commitment.

This is a quote from my new hire orientation. Which I am now finding applies so aptly to a relationship I have with a young girl in the Dominican Republic. When she was 5 years old I commited to loving her and mentoring her through life. Last year I was privilaged to spen 1 year with her, to sit through heart ache, to embrace the surprise of pregnancy and to hold my godson when he was born on April 1 st. It has been a wonderful and at times heart breaking ride that I would not change for anything!

It is sometimes a death to myself loving this young woman. I can see my selfishness and the pain on her face or in her voice when I disapoint. It is sometimes in her best interest that I disapoint but the pain she feels never makes it easier. Oh but my discouragement when I simply fail. When I give my word and fail to come through. It is our love for one another that gives us the grace to remain.

Three weeks ago her father was murdered and he was the only wage earner for the family. I am now stateside and longed to sit and mourn with the family. Traditionaly in the Dominican there is about a 10 day mourning period where friends and family gather. My heart was filled with grief and if there had been any way I would have gone just to be with Yuli for this tradgedy. We now share the loss of our fathers, 2 days apart when we both we 19. This is a mystery to me, how eerie it is to have our grief aniversaries be so very close together, but I am grateful that I can from the bottom of my heart tell her I am so very sorry and that I know she will raise above this.

With out knowing where our path would lead we have commited to each other. Who have you commited to?

Cultural Rules- The Simple Dollar

Breaking the cultural norms... 9-5 job, make as much $ as you can, buy more stuff, convenience, diet. (from the simple dollar)

There is a book that I read called The Simple Dollar, (also a blog by the same name and author) it is in reading this book that I started to consider more closely what cultural rules I have been holding my life up to. Sometimes I long for "The American Dream" of new clothes, new car, more money, and a home of my own. The thing is my values, the things that make me happy are not found in any of the above items. Sure more money would be great... and I will be making more money soon but that is not the point.

The point is what am I striving for?

This topic may feel redundant... But that is the season of life I am in. Do I continue to take out student loans so that I can possibly earn more money? Is the sacrifice of time worth the pay off? How does this fit in with my new desire to be a mother? What about my other interests that I fail to investigate? At this point there are more questions than answers, but one thing is for sure I want a simple pleasing life. I do not want to be a slave to debt. I want to be fit. I want to love and embrace people in my daily life and I want to enjoy God.

Writing my own rules

Cultures have rules, lots of rules and we have to decide if we are going to follow them. On top of cultural rules we have family rules, work rules, religous rules and then our personal rules. Some lucky people have all of these line up and nothing is in oposition to the other. Others of us are happily unaware of anyones expectations on our lives. I have always been hyper aware of what others want from me, or at least of what I think others want from me. I have been known to limit my expression of self more concerned with keeping peace. I have tried to feel my way through this world keeping peace and trying not to upset the people around me until I lost my voice.

I have begun to try living by my own rules, knowing that if I am confident in my decisions then it will not matter so much what other people want from me. That if my values are manifest in my life then I will have peace and confidence to weather many storms. Standards of achievment are hard to throw off. Being 32 and married for 7 years there are certian expectation that fall on me. I should be finished with my undergraduate degree, I should have children, I should be on my way to owning a home. But my life did not follow that "normal" progression. I have had way more exciting things going in my life, and now I need a different set of rules or else I will feel behind, stunted.

My voice is emerging, I am discoving that I am a person of peace by nature and I know there is a way to usher peace into the world around me without silencing and damaging myself. There are times when sacrifice is good, when healthy love dictates the need to deny myself. There are times when sacrifice does no good to anyone and in the end hurts more than it helps.

I pray for wisdom and courage.

Maybe you're searching among the branches for what only appears in the roots. Rumi

When I feel discontent I begin to dream and itch for the future for my blank slat. I create scenarios that could never exist! I search in the branches wanting more of the lush greenness, daring to create the excitement of spring with out going through the bleak winter.

Life cycles through so that we are reminded to stay grounded. New springs come after a time of deep nourishment. Remember that my life began as a seed. Remember that it is depth that allows me to stretch out into the sky, to shade the burnt and protect the weary birds.

I am currently in a winter, my season of bearing fruit has come to rest. Now I must root in the ground. I must expand in the richness of family, friendship, God and art so that in season my spring will come.

Where does your life root?

It had been a month since I posted... One month is a long time so what was my hang up? Lets see... I moved and that was all consuming from the time we decided to look until this week when we brought our last load of belonging up the three flights of stairs. I have been feeling run down and partially sick for at least 2 weeks. I hope this weekend is the end to that routine. Lastly this is the time of year where I grieve the loss of my father and mother. They passed away between Thanksgiving and Christmas so as the weather turns my mind gets distracted from the productive things I need to do and I just slow down. The other event in my live is November Write a Novel Month. So if I am quiet in my blog you know why.

Perhaps I will share my story, but please be kind I have never written a story before.

connections

Have you ever felt the calming touch of someone who cares? It may not be a hug, just the reassuring touch of another human on your arm, back, grabbing your hand. I have, and I try to extend this gift to others. I am an anxious person, at time anxiety has been the constant storm that guides all that I do. At night I have been known to become overwhelmed with fear of death. I can be convinced that I am having a stroke, I know that sounds crazy but it is the truth. My husband only needs to lay his hand on me and I will immediately calm down. (In his absence I will pet my dog)I do not understand the science of touch I just accept the calming gift of touch.

I have heard before that we need 5 hugs a day to be healthy. I have seen documentaries of children in Russia who were not touched as infants, these infants were shaking experienced "failure to thrive." For me that is science enough we NEED to be touched.

I grew up in a family that did not hug or touch very much. I was not by any means deprived as a baby and developed normally it is just that in my teenage and preteen years hugs were rare and made me uncomfortable. Affection is something that my friend and I showered on each other but not something practiced in the home. I know that at times I felt starved for affection *although I had no desire to receive that from my dad at home. I loved to cuddle up and watch a movie with friends. I remember watching movies with a good friend, Ben, and we would be cuddled and you would think we were a "couple" but we were just friends meeting a deep felt need to be close and loved. I am thankful my friends who met this deep need in my life and taught me how to give and accept affection.

Even if you think that you do not like affection and hugs remember that it is a human need to feel connected loved so offer your love and affection to those around you.